I arrived to practice on time at five in the morning, like always, and
noticed an immediate difference. The assistant coach explained to me
that she had to leave with the coach because the coach's mother was
dying and so they found us a substitute until they were able to come
back to the team. The coaches would be in New Jersey until their
coach's mother had either gotten better or had died.
His name was Burke Swan. He was about six-foot-four, with
sandy-blonde hair and dazzling, almond-shaped, bright
green-emerald-like eyes. His hair was a sexy kind of messy and he was
so buff he could probably have taken steroids, but he was even more
gorgeous when we found out that he had never taken steroids. His jaw
was stern and bold and his nose wasn't perfect which perfectly off-set
his beautiful face.
The assistant coach left and we sat around in a group circle and all
introduced ourselves to the new coach, starting with me, "My name is
Bethany Grace and I am the captain. I have been dancing and cheering
since I was old enough to walk." Next, my boyfriend, who had also been
the most qualified for my co-captain, spoke.
"My name is Hogan Gray and I am Bethany's co-captain and boyfriend. I
haven't been dancing or cheering as long, but I enjoy what we do."
Twenty minutes later, the last of our thirty cheerleaders spoke and we
got started.
"Burke, we do a move that we ourselves have choreographed and we
call it the Death Drop. One of my rules is that you don't interfere
while I'm leading my team. Got that?" he nodded and we performed our
routine as far as we had created it to.
The Death Drop was utterly terrifying but it always won us extra
points in competition. The Death Drop was a point in our routine where
we form a huge tower and I neatly throw myself (since I was the
lightest flyer) off the top in a beautiful double back flip and get
caught in a swan dive as Hogan slides into the splits just seconds
before he needs to catch me by the small of my back, my legs in a
perfect left split and my arms falling loosely into Hogan's lap,
winking with my left eye.
After that morning's practice, Burke showed extra special attention
to me. School was starting up again and that was almost always a
highlight in my summer because I hated summer when I didn't have
anyone to talk to besides family. Boring! So I spent most of my time
in the water, perfecting my five hundred yard race for the next
season, which started when school did on the third Monday in July.
In the year 2038, the Arkansas Board of Education decided to change
the way they did school. Instead of doing school all day every day,
they went to a schedule similar to college. Classes were two or three
times a week and at the same time each week. It never changed unless
there was a state or national holiday. We stayed with family nearby or
in a dorm on the school campus and went home for the weekend if we
didn't already live at home.
It was a Wednesday and after cheer practice I had medical anatomy and
physiology. We were talking about the reproductive system that day and
I was intrigued, yet at the same time my thoughts were far from the
subject at hand and I couldn't stop thinking about that beautiful boy
who paid me special attention.
Once the bell rang, I stood up slowly, packed up my things and headed
off to lunch. I met up with my boyfriend and my two best friends at my
aunt's house, "Beth, you saw how that creepy new coach looked at you
all morning, didn't you?" Hogan exclaimed as we ate our chicken and
veggies.
"Yeah, it was really weird. I didn't feel comfortable at all, but I
can't quit because of that." I replied to him, kind of irritated that
that was the only thing he really paid attention to at practice.
"You okay Baby?" he asked, leaning over the table to kiss me. I
kissed him but I didn't know what to say to his question.
"Yeah, just a little bothered that the way the new coach looked at me
was the only thing you paid attention to at practice today and I was
lucky that you were focused enough to catch me." I replied, saying
exactly what was on my mind.
"I'm sorry Beth." That was all he could say before Alexavier (Alex for
short) butted in.
"What the heck?" Alex asked, his face turning red. Hogan had to
explain, "Oh, ok." He understood and he also had a hard time with the
way the new coach looked at me.
"Okay guys, I need to go to practice now, so I'll see ya'll later in
ballroom." I kissed my boyfriend goodbye, gave Alex a hug and grabbed
Bailey.
Drill was an all-girls dance team that competed in different
categories. My favorite category was military and individual. Today we
were performing for each other for the first hour and for the second
hour we were working until every muscle in our bodies hurt. I loved
drill, and I generally came in second in individuals. Our team always
did really well, but this year so far we have had mostly third or
fourth place. I don't know how to describe our pieces but I know that
they must be great, that or we just have a lot of support because the
audience always enjoys our performances. Thankfully, none of my teams'
performances coincide with each other. Four o' clock rolled around a
little quicker than usual and Bailey and I changed from our drill
practice clothes to our ballroom practice clothes and grabbed our
heels. We walked ten minutes across campus to get to the ballroom
studio and pull on our shoes.
My favorite dance was the Latin tango because of the intimacy you
share with your dance partner and the intense workout it gives you. I
loved performing and competing in ballroom, and I did especially well
in Latin dances and the waltz. My coach made me train for silver; even
though I knew that I could place first every time in bronze and in
silver I only ever placed third. Today we were practicing our solos
for sectionals. Me and my partner, Alex, were choreographing a West
Coast Swing piece for sectionals and were doing it Footloose, the
theme song.
"Beth, what do you think about adding the candlestick right here?"
Alex asked, and we added it to see what it looked like. I loved it.
"That works, but maybe instead of just setting me down and going back
into the basic you could bring me through your legs and spin me and
then I could be pulled back through and up to spin me on the ground
leading right onto your back and then I could flip off your back and
not finish that move." We tried it and my coach came over and
critiqued our posture and our finish on what we had just finished and
then gathered the team together to watch our solo. Even though I loved
performing, I hated random show-and-tells in front of the team. There
was applause for us and I turned bright red, took a bow, and almost
walked out of the center of attention but my coach stopped us and
asked the class to tell us what they saw. Most people said that they
saw courage, determination, and precision. I went even redder with
every complement.
"Thanks guys, but that was improv. I was just curious so we tried it."
I said after everyone seemed to be done.
"Yeah, but Beth, you seemed to know what you were doing. It was
absolutely amazing and that was just improv?" Tristan exclaimed.
Tristan was the boy who I performed my tango with two months ago. He
now was dancing with Bailey and wanted to take her out but she didn't
notice and he hadn't gotten up the courage to ask her on a date. That
was toward the end of class and for the last twenty minutes, Alex and
I practiced our routine. When the bell rang, it was a race to change
and get to dinner. With so many sports, I was ready for a hot shower,
and ice pack, and a good night's sleep but I wasn't going to bed until
nine o' clock.
The drive was only ten minutes to my aunt's house. Soon, I pulled into
the garage and went inside for a short shower, however when I got
inside, I saw my new coach sitting on the couch with my aunt,
laughing.
That was weird.
Coaches weren't supposed to visit their team member's home, even on
personal business. I overheard them talking about debts and Wendy
brought up my mother as an example of extreme debt. I eavesdropped for
a little before I tiptoed upstairs and showered. I didn't eat dinner
that night but I still went to my German language class, from which I
wouldn't get home from until eight-thirty. When I got back, I came in
the back and got up the stairs as quick and silent as I could, afraid
that he would still be talking to my aunt if I went back downstairs.
Instead, I spent the night in my room, studying the Book of Mormon. At
nine I prayed and slipped under the covers, hoping that all my worries
would be washed away with my dreams.
Running from place to place, I never once stopped to catch my icy
breath from escaping me. But what was I running from? Fear, anger, or
love? Or maybe all three. I didn't know where I was or where I was
going or why I was going there; I just knew that I wanted so
insatiably, desperately to be free. Free from what? Him, me, them?
Thoughts like this appeared in my head and left slowly as I turned my
head to look over my right shoulder.
I saw nobody behind me. Was I free to go? Could I be happy now? No, I
was definitely not free. No, I could never be happy so long as He
still held the almost literal key to my locked heart.
I came to the edge of a cliff, seventy or so feet from the ocean.
Before I even noticed the cliff underneath my feet, my legs fell and I
plummeted, diving in an almost graceful manner to my doom.
I woke with a start, swimming in a cold sweat. I turned my head on my
pillow and saw his peaceful, undisturbed, sleeping face. Such relief
coursed through my veins as I snuggled into his warm, comforting
chest, slowly drifting back to sleep.
Two hours later when my alarm clock went off, I woke up screaming with
a horrid realization. The man in my dream was the new coach. I
couldn't help the tears and I sat on my knees in prayer for a good ten
minutes before I changed, ate, and drove off to swim practice. That
dream was getting repetitive and it was scaring me. I had had it two
or three times a week for the last month.
It was five in the morning and I was in the water until seven-thirty.
We fixed our dives and our streamlines before coach let us go and we
went to change for school.
I hated math, but I had to take trigonometry from eight to nine-thirty
on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I had no friends in that class except for a
girl my age from Venezuela who spoke very little English so I helped
her understand what was going on in class since I spoke fluent Spanish
because my dad was stationed in Colombia for close to ten years from
the time I was five to last year because he is in the Marines and he
sent me and my sister to a Spanish speaking school.
Tia and I were singing hallelujah when the bell rang and we could pack
up our bags and get out of there. Tia was on the Cheer team with me,
so we carpooled to the locker room. We changed quickly and got out to
the gym as quick as we could. I had her help me pull out the mats.
Today I was going to have my team practice their splits, handsprings,
and flips among other things, and who knows; maybe I'll switch things
up a bit.
"We practice partner stunts- no?" Tia suggested to me. I nodded and as
the team began filing into the gym I paired them up. The fourth person
to show up was the new coach. I was going to keep him busy- even if I
had to have him organize a fundraiser to get us to California for
nationals- so I didn't have to put up with his knowing look all
morning, even though I only practiced the team for two hours.
"Tia and Jeremy, Rickie and Jake, Bailey and Jason, Raquel and Alex,
Allie and Kai, Callie and Taylor, Jen and Hogan, Celeste and Josh,
Mickey and Jack, Kellie and Chris, Christina and Casper, Miranda and
Mark, Isabel and Ian, Alice and Colby, and Jeremiah and I- we are
working on ballroom lifts. For our new piece we are going to
incorporate more ballroom technique along with our gymnastics. Go.
Now!" I assigned the partnerships and watched them for a couple
minutes before I began teaching Jeremiah.
Jeremiah and I worked more specifically on the lifts that had more
steps than most. After about twenty or so minutes, I went and checked
in with each individual partnership and asked how they were doing and
what they liked most so far. Mostly it was improv and fun.
Today I had Cheer till eleven and then third level American Sign
Language until two and lunch till three. From three until
four-forty-five then a seminary class until six. I had a small break
for dinner and then I went to my Spanish class from seven to
eight-thirty.
That night I walked in, sneaked up the stairs and saw my coach sitting
on the couch talking to my aunt again when I got home. I hurried up to
my room, read a couple chapters in Mosiah, and said a prayer before
climbing into bed at nine. It was already the end of October and
school was going wonderfully. I would do my homework during lunch and
dinner and then I would do more, if I still had some, after my nightly
scripture study in the Book of Mormon. My bedtime was always between
nine and ten-thirty and never later, but I was good at staying on task
in class and I had held a 3.8 GPA for as long as I can remember.
Cheer practice began to be something that I no longer looked forward
to, even though my team was absolutely amazing and I had the talent to
take them to state and then to nationals. I couldn't stand the sound
of the name, Burke, after too long. He looked at me with a longing,
knowing look that I couldn't ignore. Soon I had Hogan tell Burke that
the practice schedule had changed, and that got rid of him for a
couple days but the peace didn't last long.
One day, about two weeks after Burke had come to our team, I decided
that I didn't want to be frightened by his looks and the way that he
moved and talked to me and about me when he was around me and even
when he wasn't. I decided that he couldn't be that bad after all- I
mean, he is just a substitute coach until Renee could come back from
New Jersey. When my attitude changed, I noticed that my team performed
better and got along better and was less concerned with the sub. They
landed their aerials more firmly than before I changed my attitude
about the unwelcome newcomer.
He never stopped looking at me and I could tell that he was
planning something and that something was going to be catastrophic- at
least in my own life and possibly for my team as well. That was always
my biggest concern with not going to someone to get him out of my gym,
but I was more afraid of doing something and making him mad than I
wanted to get him away from my territory.
One Monday, about a week after I had changed my attitude, when
practice was over and we had all changed and were heading out to the
parking lot, I was cornered by the building in a place where the
school hadn't put security cameras. Burke walked me into the corner
of two walls and when I hit the wall, he brushed my cheek with the
back of his hand. His eyes were suddenly, and only for a split second,
kind and gentle and I felt safe; like nothing could be wrong. Stunned
by his green eyes, I stood there. He cupped my face and kissed my
lips. His hands were large and calloused from hard work, probably on a
farm or ranch of some sort or from his experience of gymnastics. I let
him tangle his hands in my hair and kiss me again. Slowly and gently,
he took my bag from me and set it down by the wall. Without giving my
body permission, I reached up and hooked my arms around his neck. My
fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck while he kissed
me again. He then slipped his hands into my pants rather quickly and
squeezed me tight against him. I pushed him away and he backed up a
bit. I shot him an embarrassed glare, grabbed my bag and walked
quickly to my Pontiac Crusade, threw my bag on the passenger seat,
shoved the key in the ignition and drove towards Medical Anatomy and
Physiology. The rest of that day went slow for me, and no matter how
many times I begged God to end it, he didn't seem to hear my prayers
that I said so many times that unforgiving day. I couldn't decide if I
should just take what happened up with my bishop; or if I should just
leave it and forget it and forgive myself for allowing it to happen.
I was too scared to tell my bishop, however, after that, I began to
see him at the house more and more often in the evenings until a
couple weeks later, I saw him there every night for about the next two
months, so I kept my schedule busy:
On Mondays, I had swim practice (dry-land work-out) from five in the
morning to six-forty-five in the morning. Then from seven-fifteen to
eight-thirty I had English and after English I had cheer practice from
nine to eleven and Medical Anatomy and Physiology from eleven-thirty
to one. Then I had lunch and after lunch, drill practice ran my life
from two until four. Then I went to an advanced ballroom class from
four-thirty to six. Then I went home for dinner and after that I had a
German Language class from seven to eight-thirty. Once I got home, I
read from my Book of Mormon, said my prayers, and was in bed by nine.
Tuesdays I had swim from five in the morning to seven-thirty in the
water. I was bored in Trigonometry from seven-forty-five to
eight-forty-five, and then I was tortured by Burke's stares from nine
until eleven at cheer. From eleven-thirty to two I had American Sign
Language, level three and then I ate lunch from two to two-forty and
then I had drill from three to five and then straight from there to
seminary until six. Afterwards, I ate dinner and went to my
college-level Spanish class from seven to eight-thirty. Then I
followed my bedtime routine just like on Monday.
Wednesday was just like Monday except I didn't have English; instead I
took U.S. History from seven to eight-thirty. After ballroom, I got
take-out and zipped over to mutual from six to seven, only I always
left early so that I could be on time to my German class at seven. My
nightly routine followed suit after I was home from another exhausting
day.
Thursday was identical to Tuesday and Friday was identical to Monday,
until six o'clock rolled around and I got out of ballroom. From
ballroom, I went to the Little Rock Temple to do baptisms for the dead
until seven, when I grabbed something to eat on my way to my mother's
house in Pocahontas, Arkansas. I didn't have a language class on
Fridays other than English in the morning, and I always started my
bedtime routine a little earlier at my mom's house, but depending on
homework, I was always in bed by nine at night.
On Saturday I cleaned, did homework, or slept, getting the extra rest
for my exhausted body and on Sunday, every week at eleven, I was
dressed and at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints serving
God without fail. I kept myself so busy so that I didn't have to deal
with Burke except for at cheer practice but one Friday, the first in
October, after an interesting day of classes and practices; I jumped
in my car and drove straight home to my mother's house by eight- a
whole hour away from where I was schooling. As soon as I got there I
got a text on my phone from my dad:
Princess; BE CAREFUL! I beg you- I don't want to lose you, and your
mother has been cracking a new idea in that bewitched head of hers.
Love, Daddy
Daddy, what am I being careful of? What's going on? Love Beth
I texted him back and switched my phone to vibrate, slipping it back
into my pocket and walking inside. I knew instantly when I saw his
sandy blond hair above the white couch. That was the trouble... and my
mother knows that I'm in a relationship. I yanked out my phone and
texted my boyfriend:
Hogan- come get me! I'm in trouble, Burke's here and my mom is
cracking another of her psycho ideas. Love Beth
I'm on my way Baby- no worries. Be there soon Beth. Love Hogan.
My mother invited me over to the couch to sit down and talk. He was
there soon and he came around the back and walked right into the
living room. He walked right up to me and grabbed my hand, pulling me
up off my seat. The conversation had almost gotten started when he
walked in. Hogan kissed me on the lips and smiled at my mom. She
growled. I kissed him again. "Mom, Hogan's parents had a small party
planned for me and Hogan for the past while- and I can't let her down.
I'll talk to you later 'kay?" we left.
When I came home and eleven-thirty that night, Burke was still
talking to my mother. "Come sit down Bethany." My mom glared at me
with a glint of secrecy behind her black eyes. I plopped down on the
floor, scrunching my knees to my chest. The tears started coming the
more I held them back. She shoved the papers at me with a pen. I read
through them and then saw my name printed down below. I saw Burke's
name and signature and my mother's. My mother had forced my father to
sign the line too. "Sign it." that was all she said. I had been
broken.
Burke had done his research and had come to my house with a check in
hand. Right then and there, my mother had fallen in love with his
idea. She was in debt up to her elbows and could be taken to prison at
anytime, but now that would never happen. Burke had said that all he
wanted in return for his two hundred thousand dollars was my hand in
marriage. That scared me, because I knew that I probably wouldn't be
able to have the eternal family I had always planned on having and
being married and sealed in the temple. He had told my mother that he
would give her the check once I had signed the papers. He wanted my
hand in marriage and there wasn't anything I could do anymore.
"I will only sign these papers if he promises to allow me to attend
church faithfully and he promises to treat me well." I told my mother,
glaring at Burke.
"Well, you can sign the papers or you can get the hell out of my house
and you will no longer be considered my daughter." I gasped, and
nodded. I loved my family except my mother, and now I had real reason
to hate my mother. She wasn't really my mom to me, and the only reason
why I loved it there was because of my older brother, Jonathon, and my
younger sister, Nicole, and my father.
I stood up and sat on the couch next to Burke instead of on the
floor. Mother handed me a clipboard and I flipped through the papers,
signing each place where my full name appeared beneath a line.
I signed the papers then texted Hogan and he came and took me out for
the last time. We went for ice cream.
"Hogan, I'm sorry." The tears came rolling and I couldn't hold back
the reservoir. He got up and grabbed my hands. He wrapped my arms
around his neck and his hands around my upper back in a warm embrace.
Then we rocked back and forth in circles. I cried on his shoulder and
he hummed my lullaby in my ear. My head rested on his shoulder.
"Hogan, my mom made me sign marriage papers. I'm getting married to Burke as soon as school will allow." I hiccupped and was almost not
understandable.
"Baby, it's okay. I'm not mad at you... you were forced into it.
Totally not your fault." he kissed my neck.
"Thank- you for understanding." I hiccupped again, "I love you. This
hurts me so much! I hate to have to let go of you." I whimpered. I
didn't finish my ice cream that night, instead Hogan took me home
around twelve thirty. I crawled into bed and whimpered until I had
fallen asleep.
I slept the through Saturday and well into Sunday. I woke up close to
five in the evening, packed my stuff back up into my car and I drove
home to my aunt's house. I was there about six, ate some dinner, and
then shot up to my room to read my Book of Mormon and say my prayers,
change, and then crashed on my bed for another several hours.
Four-thirty in the morning came all too fast. I rolled out of bed,
pulled on my swimsuit and team warm-ups, and packed my dance company
and swim things in my team bags. I dumped my things into my Pontiac
Crusade and I rolled on out to practice.
One morning, as I was about to put my things in the Crusade, a silver
Prius drove up and parked behind me. I turned around and glared into
the man's windshield.
Burke opened his door and climbed out. He walked over to me and
backed me into the wall of my garage. He cupped my face with his hands
and leaned down to kiss me. He locked his lips with mine and moved his
hands down to my lower back and pushed himself rhythmically up against
me.
When I tried to push him away, he pushed harder; his lips were still
locked with mine. I kicked his shin as hard as I could and he backed
off for a moment, "Get in the Prius." I shook my head and he
back-handed me across my face. My cheek bled, my face stung, and my
eyes went foggy but they never teared up, "I said, get in the Prius."
This time I nodded and went and sat in the passenger seat. Burke
grabbed my stuff and dumped it in the trunk. The first, only, and last
tear rolled down my cheek and was wiped away before Burke climbed in,
started the car, and drove me to swim practice.
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