Burke liked to keep as much under his control as he could, so what I
could do became limited. He drove me everywhere and picked me up
afterwards and as long as I didn't refuse to let him have the control,
he wasn't cross with me. I hated it when he was cross with me, so I
did my best not to make him upset.
One day, about two weeks after I signed the papers, Burke took me out
to my ranch and we got out two of our horses. I hadn't ridden my black
stallion in a few weeks, and when I realized that he wanted to take me
riding, my mood changed and I became happier. He had already been out
to my house to prepare the horses, so Max was ready to ride.
I was wearing a pair of long, dark designer jeans, my riding boots,
and my brown and pink plaid long sleeve button-up. My hair was down
and super curly, deep chocolate curls swirling to the small of my
back. I wore a black headband in my hair to keep everything except my
swoopy bangs out of my face. I wore a little make up on my eyes and a
touch of natural color lipstick, but not much more.
Burke opened the stable door, and led me inside.
"I know that I could probably have gone about this much differently,
but I do love you and I want to make you mine." He said, and kissed my
forehead. Then he helped me onto my horse, and he rode my father's. I
followed him and rode near him for about twenty minutes. When we came
to the outlook over the plains, Burke slowed to a stop and we swung
off the side of our horses and let them lay down. He opened a pack
that he had put on Red's saddle and pulled out a small blanket and a
few small things to eat. After he set up a small picnic, we sat down
on the blanket.
I spilled my water on my pant leg, and I picked up the napkin that he
had put by my plate. Before I was able to wipe up my small mess, I
caught the glimmer of a diamond and looked closer. He had put an eight
karat diamond set in twenty-four karat silver with small ruby
pieces, my birthstone, outlining a heart around the diamond. I gasped
and became speechless.
Suddenly, Burke was on his knees, holding my left hand in his. His
eyes were kind and loving, and his smile was gentle.
"I should have asked you first… but the past is the past and now I ask
you for forgiveness." I nodded and he smiled, "Now, let's leave
everything in the past… I love you and admire you and I want to make
you mine. Will you be my wife?" and right then, like it was supposed
to be, I began to cry. I nodded a few times and he picked me up and
spun me around happily. Then he set me down, and in the light of the
sunset, he kissed my lips in a passionate kiss and this time, I kissed
back and tangled my fingers in his hair. Then he slid the ring onto my
finger for me and he held me close while we watched the sun disappear
beyond the horizon.
Now that I had a ring, I would be forced to tell Bailey and Alex about
my engagement. I was not ready, but now I had to be because that meant
that now my mother would get on me to begin the planning of this
wedding. I didn't want it to be too big, but it probably would be
because of the money that Burke would be able to spend on it.
On Sunday, I called Bailey and Alex and told them to meet me at
Bailey's house on Monday right after my German language class, and
made sure that it was alright that I spend the night with Bailey. They
were confused, but they said that they would be there. This was going
to be harder than I thought.
Four- thirty Monday morning came quickly and I rolled out of bed,
hoping that that day would be wonderful and that it wouldn't be too
difficult to tell my best friends about my engagement. I pulled on my
practice suit and repacked my team bags before I left fifteen minutes
later.
Being the first to get to the pool, I walked in and stripped into my
suit and cap and goggles and grabbed my practice gear and went out to
the deck. Once out there I dropped my things in my usual spot and dove
in. I swam two five-hundred yard dashes before five o' clock and the
team began filing into the water to do their five-hundred warm up.
Today I was just going to take life one tiny step at a time. I really
didn't need any extra stress or frustration today and I was already
going to have a difficult time later this evening when I was
explaining things to Bailey and Alex.
We were in the beginning of our taper and it was already third week in
October. Arkansas hadn't had any snow since 2024, and hadn't had
temperatures below seventy- eight since 2028. Now, in the year 2078,
it never snowed and the temperatures never dropped below eighty. The
cool rain was always amazing, even though it made the air pretty
muggy. If you wanted snow, you had to go up to Canada because nearly
all of the states in the United States had dramatically changed in
their weather patterns because snow had nearly disappeared and now it
snowed in Mexico and a pretty large portion of the countries that had
once been the driest and hottest places on earth. The entire
atmosphere had changed in the past hundred years.
My first swim meet this season was coming up next week and I was
excited and was really gearing up to do well on my two-hundred-yard
butterfly and my five hundred free and fifty free. Those were my
favorite strokes: the backstroke terrifies me and even though I swim
the breast stroke well, that one frustrates me because it is a slow
stroke for me.
Swim was over by six-forty-five and I was showered, dressed (makeup,
clothes, and hair) and ready for school by seven. Burke was there
five minutes after seven and I climbed into his car and kissed him,
shocked, he kissed me back. He drove me to my advanced English
literature and writing styles class.
"Burke, I'm not very excited to tell Alex and Bailey because I'm not
sure what their reactions will be." I complained.
"Tell them about the engagement?" he clarified, taking my hand with one of his.
"Yes. With this rock," I presented my hand, "there would be no way not
to tell them." I half-smiled; even though it was forced upon me, I
didn't have to be pessimistic about the whole thing. I hated the
feeling of being negative.
He pulled in to a parking stall and I grabbed my book bag, kissed him
good-bye, and walked inside. The classroom was cool and the projector
screen was down. I remembered that our play-writes were due today and
we were watching Gone with the Wind, a movie that had become a
classic. It was released on the seventeenth of January in 1941, so by
now it was a hundred and thirty seven and a half years old and the
setting is even a hundred years earlier than that. My play-write was
about two hours long if it were to ever become a theatrical
production, and it was a romantic- comedy, so it could be popular
because lately a lot of the popular movies were of that style. Gone
with the Wind was actually the length of the class hour and when it
was over, Burke was already waiting for me outside. Neither of my
best friends was in my English class, so I hadn't had to tell them
yet.
Because I still had a half an hour until I had to be in the gymnasium
with Burke for cheer, Burke and I went to the gym and played around
with partner stunts and ballroom lifts. He had large sturdy arms, and
after a few lifts, I found that I trusted him to catch me more than I
trusted Hogan or Alex or even Jeremiah, and I made it a point to tell
him.
"I'm glad you trust me, it really means a lot." He kissed me on the
forehead and hugged me.
"I trust you, but I'm still scared of you. Don't ask me why, because I
have no idea." His eyes slightly watered and he kissed me.
"I don't want you to be scared of me; I really don't." he said.
Looking into his eyes, I wiped the tears away before they fell, "I
don't want to be scared of you, but you have to prove to me that I
don't have to be. You could be too if some girl said that she would
pay your mother's debt and save her from federal prison and said that
they'd only do that if you married them. I feel very small and
insignificant right now." I tried to smile and still had my hands on
his face.
"Oh you poor baby!" he leaned down and kissed me, "I'm so sorry! I
still want to make you mine though." He didn't seem like such a
horrible man now, but that didn't prove to me that I shouldn't be
careful.
"Hey, don't worry about it. I'll be alright. I'm still going to marry
you, you just have to know that I have had experiences that I'm not
ready to tell you yet that make it very difficult for me to trust
anyone and it takes at least a year sometimes." I explained. He picked
me up and spun me around happily, and I laughed.
"I'm glad that you can tell me this. That means that I can work on
helping you trust me." He whispered in my ear. Then he suggested
teaching me new lifts and stunts that I hadn't heard of and just
messing around and he promised to be careful. I agreed and for the
rest of the half hour that we waited for the team to arrive, that's
what we did. He was precise and careful, yet strong and confident in
what he what he was doing with me and what he was having me do. He
didn't seem near as bad as he had when I had first caught his eye four
months ago on the first day of school.
When Alex, Hogan, and Bailey walked into the gym a couple minutes
before eight-thirty, Burke was kissing me. I heard Bailey drop her
things suddenly and I knew that she would probably yell at me later.
I ran over to Bailey and threw my arms around her and squeezed her
tight, tears forming in my eyes. I held her for a minute and told her
that I needed her to still meet me at my house after my German class.
She agreed, but through the rest of that practice she didn't talk to
me, she just silently followed directions and participated in
practice. I didn't blame her, but Hogan already knew and he didn't
have a problem because he understood what I was going through. The two
hours of practice seemed to go on forever, but they ended soon enough
and our competition piece was looking really good and we had achieved
a lot of progress on it. After that, Burke and I walked through the
school for about twenty minutes before I had to walk up to the Anatomy
classroom for class. Being with him was strangely a comfort for me and
I felt myself loving the man even though I only knew that he wanted to
marry me and who knew, it was probably for the wrong reasons too.
"You know, this is hard on me, getting married about six months before
I would turn seventeen. I'm kind of scared. I'll be married through my
last year and a half of high school and all of college. I didn't ever
think that I'd be married before I started college." I told him,
holding his hand.
"I know that this is strange for you and I don't know whether or not
you'll believe me, but I love you." he said, looking at me with a
sparkle in his eyes.
"I am not sure if I do believe you yet, but I know that when I get
married, no matter to whom I am getting married to, I will work hard
to make my marriage successful." I told him.
"That makes me happy, because I will work very hard to keep you." I
knew that he was telling the truth, but sometimes I could smell the
alcohol and cigarette smoke on him, and sometimes even on his breath.
I didn't know if alcohol made him act out or if it made him abusive or
how it affected him, but at this point I knew I was going to find out
once we were married and living together and the thought really made
me scared.
Those twenty minutes passed quickly before I walked up to class and
Burke went to run a few errands before coming back to get me when my
class was over. That day we were talking about pregnancy and the risks
and effects of pregnancy as well as the anatomy of the uterus and
placenta and fetus before, during, and after pregnancy. To me, that
part of the class always had me intrigued and wanting to know more. It
was because of that class that I wanted to be a neo-natal nurse at the
University of Utah because of their amazing medical program, or at the
Primary Children's Center because it had the five of the top surgeons
in the nation, a few of which were near or were the top surgeons in
the world and I would find it an honor to be working with them.
After that class and I was back in the car with Burke, I mentioned to
Burke what I wanted to be when I was building my career and why I
wanted to do what I wanted to do.
"Well Beth, I am one of the top cardiothoracic surgical interns in the
nation, I think I'm ranked at ninth in the nation or something like
that, I haven't checked that in a little while. I graduated high
school at sixteen and I sped through college and medical school in
about five years and over the past year I have been successful enough
to be ranked in at least the top twenty. I thank God often for my gift
and talent in saving lives, in fact, I currently am assigned to
surgeries on new-born to twenty-four month old infants." He took a
breath before telling me more, "In fact, because you take so much
interest in American Sign Language, you could double major and become
a neo-natal interpreter for the deaf. Many hospitals never have enough
interpreters." He suggested. That didn't sound half bad to me, and
after a moment of thinking about the idea, I decided that that would
be a fun, successful career that I could be proud of.
Burke was taking me out to lunch before Drill practice because I had
an hour for lunch now and wouldn't have much of a break until dinner.
We went to a place called Uncle Jack's Buffet, and I started with a
small salad because my diet was made up of healthy foods to help with
the muscle gain and keeping fat from building up; and with the amount
of exercise that I got daily I had no worries, except I still ate
healthy because it helped with my strength, endurance, flexibility,
and speed and I didn't need to worry about any of my vitals shutting
down.
We sat down to eat at a booth and talked as we ate. I was glad to
spend so much time with him, and I hoped to get to know him fairly
well before I was meeting him at the altar. Unfortunately, it was the
breaks that went quickly and the classes that seemed to drag on
forever that day. After lunch, Burke came and watched my drill
practice, today we ran fifteen bleacher laps before we worked on
technique and I knew that I was going to be as sore as an overused or
over-stretched muscle tomorrow and the day after, if not for the next
week and I knew that Saturday and Sunday were my only breaks so I
needed to go to bed early, get a good night's rest, and put some
muscle fatigue soothing lotion on my sore muscles before bed at night
and after my morning shower. I would be using that for a while.
Thankfully, even though that drug on, drill was over soon and I was
able to go to my advanced ballroom team and work on my solo piece with
Alex. During drill and all through ballroom, Bailey wouldn't talk to
me; and she hardly ever even shot glances over at me or even in my
direction. Instead I focused on the task at hand and had my coach
critique Alex and my East Coast Swing Cabaret competition piece. I was
just happy that Alex was talking to me; then again, he had to so that
we could work efficiently on our performance.
That was the one class that I didn't care if people hated me, I was
just there because I loved it and because I was good, but shortly that
class bell rang and we all disappeared into the locker rooms. I
changed quickly, pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and threw on
my shoes. My bag was already in Burke's car, so I just wandered out
into the hallway. When I pulled open the door, there he was, leaning
up against the wall. He kissed me hello and took my hand. We walked to
his car, climbed in, and drove to a park to eat a quick dinner and
mess around before he had to take be back to the school for my German
language class.
He had gone home and had put together turkey sandwiches and bought
some grapes and chips. Today we sat at a table instead of on a
blanket. I hadn't taken off the ring; even to sleep or shower, except
to swim at practice; and it glistened in the setting sun that was
peeking under the pavilion. Even though I had loved Hogan, I found
myself falling in love with this man, not boy, who had put himself
through school without help from his parents and had already been able
to pay back the student loans that he had taken out and now, only a
year after he had passed the test and received his license, he was in
the top twenty cardiothoracic surgical interns in the country. Not
only did he have talent and ambition, but he was musical and he had
one of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen. He was about a
fourteen inches taller than me; I was only five-foot-two. He had only
hit me once, but that didn't really mean that he wouldn't ever hit me
again.
"You know, I used to be in the school's traveling choir." I told him,
then blushing immediately.
"Well maybe I could sing with you on our spare time." He offered,
leaning over to kiss me. Kissing him was always so sweet, yet it was
somehow so surreal; as if it weren't really happening.
"Mm, I should definitely take you up that offer sometime." I winked.
Then I checked the time, and mentioned that it was time for me to go
to class. He took me to my German language class and then he went back
to the hospital for work. Tonight I was having a sleepover with
Bailey, and I would be telling them about the engagement and how it
happened and why it happened and why I'm even allowing this to happen,
because I know that because I am, unless he is converted to my faith,
I will never have a temple sealing. I wasn't going to see Burke for
nearly a week because of work, but I could deal with that. In fact
actually, he was going to take me to his work one day soon and have me
scrub in and watch if his resident will allow him to.
German was one of my favorite subjects because the differences between
that language and my own fascinated me, but lately, no matter how much
I enjoyed my classes, they seemed to drag on forever while I was in
them. After class, I met up with Bailey in the parking lot.
"Bailey…" I threw my arms around her when I saw her.
"Are you okay?" she asked me, this time really caring and wanting to
know how I was.
"No. You wouldn't be either if you had a mother like mine." That was
all I had to say for her to gasp and ask me what she had come up with
this time, "Well, Burke paid off our debt and she asked him if he
wanted anything to pay him back or to thank him and all he asked for
was my hand in marriage. She had no problem simply giving me away and
telling me that unless I married him, she would disown me and she
would no longer call me her daughter, so I signed the papers and
agreed to the arrangement." I told her over the five minutes it took
to get to her dorm room.
I looked over at her when she parked her old Honda Civic and we walked
inside. Tears were slipping down her face, and she knew that there was
nothing that we could do. Once inside her room, we dropped our things
at the foot of her bed and plopped down on her queen-size mattress.
She pulled me over to her and hugged me tight, and suddenly, we both
couldn't stop the water works as they forced their way out.
Those water works never seemed to run out of tears, and it felt like
we cried for a couple hours when we only cried for about twenty
minutes before we read our scriptures, said our prayers, and climbed
into her bed together.
My dream that night was different, but it still confused me:
In the middle of autumn, four days after my sixteenth birthday, I
jumped from the cliff three miles from my town near the Grand Canyon.
It was the third cliff and the millionth time for my crumbling spirit.
Whoever said wild hearts can't be broken hadn't had a wild heart. I
guess it's true that it was more my careless spirit that had been torn
into pieces time and time again than my wild heart, for I had a broken
spirit and an abandoned heart. If you compared my heart to a home, it
was fully furnished. The water left running in the bathroom, the
bedroom still warm. The only thing missing from this picture-perfect
home was the occupant who had built the home in the first place. Now I
sailed flawlessly, slicing open the air and slipping downward. I had
broken the surface of the water here yet again at ease. The dive was
about a mile long- and I had perfected it over and over again. Four
days later, my heart was occupied yet again, and I hoped that this one
was different, maybe here to stay…
I woke with tears in my eyes, just in time to get dressed and ready
for swim and school and go outside. I only waited a couple minutes for
Alex to pick me up for practice. Once in the car, he asked the same
question as Bailey had and I answered him almost word for word. He
cried a bit too, but he didn't have near the water works that Bailey
and I let out last night. Neither of them were okay with what I was
doing, and neither was I, but to me there wasn't really much choice
for me to make. It was either get married or leave my family. I loved
my family too much to leave them, so I chose the option that would
only really hurt me and not my entire family.
I had already talked to each of my teachers for Tuesday, and they all
knew that I had a swim meet that I had to be at, but they gave me the
homework that they had already planned and I turned it all in before
the competition on Tuesday. The meet was going to last the entire day,
as most competitions do. I was swimming the five-hundred yard
freestyle, the two-hundred yard butterfly, the fifty yard freestyle,
and my coach wanted me to swim in the four-hundred yard medley relay
as the butterfly leg. I knew I was going to be exhausted, but that
never stopped me before.
The bus ride was silent on the way to the competition as usual, and
wouldn't be loud until the way home from the competition. I stared out
the window, and thought through each step to winning each of my races.
I was positive that I would take first in at least one of my races. I
thought about gripping the block so hard that my knuckles turned
white; and leaning all of my weight forward. My dive was perfect as my
fingertips entered the water first, and the rest of my body followed
in a perfect arch, guiding me into the water with virtually no splash
as I sliced through the glossy surface.
Next thing I knew, I was actually swimming my fifty freestyle race; I
gripped the block so tight that my knuckles turned white and leaned
all of my weight forward. My dive was flawless as I entered almost as
precise and perfect as I had imagined on the bus. I held streamline
for thirteen yards, with five powerful dolphin kicks. My left arm
slipped out of the water and sliced through with a first powerful
stroke. Two more powerful strokes in freestyle, then I took my first
breath as I hit the red marker and watched the tiles until I saw the T
and knew to flip-turn. Five intense dolphin kicks later, and I was
coming up to take my first stroke. Two more strokes then another
breath. The corner of my eye saw the red marker and I reached one arm
straight out and kicked as hard as I could about a foot under the
water and finished my fifty strong.
Looking at the clock, I saw my time at 25:59 seconds. Turning my head
side to side, I noticed that I had actually taken first in my heat.
Then my coach locked eyes with me and smiled, giving me a thumbs-up
and a look that praised me for my efforts. I wondered what he would
have to say to me when I went to talk to him after the race. After I
touched the wall, the race seemed to finish quickly, and Alex was
helping me out of the water. Once I had my towel, I went immediately
and spoke with my coach.
"Wonderful job Beth!" he exclaimed, giving me a high five, "That time
will probably take you to state this year." He smiled.
"Yes! I'm way excited. Then again- I totally knew that I could do it
today." I grinned from ear to ear.
"You did very well. I have a couple things you could do better on:
first, you need more power when you push off the wall after your
turns; and second, stretch your arms further. That's all I noticed
that you didn't take from practice. If you can do that, you can
definitely shave off at least a second from that time." He gave me
another high five and went to talk to another of my team mates. My
next event was the hundred-yard fly- and I needed to get in the water
to cool down for a couple minutes, but also to keep my muscles warm.
After that I would be swimming in the five-hundred yard freestyle
race.
That day, I placed first in my fifty and my five-hundred, and third in
my hundred-yard fly. I was very proud of myself, but I didn't focus on
me. I congratulated the other team for doing well and thanked them for
the competition. On the bus ride home, I talked to the other kids and
joined in the noise.
We were back at the school in time for me to go out with Alex and a
few of the other swimmers for dinner and then I was able to go to my
Spanish class. I was close to fluent; I just needed the extra practice
and the grammatical skills.
After Alex and I got out of Spanish, he took me home and I read a
quick scripture from the Book of Mormon and prayed to God before
allowing exhausted self to crash on the bed without changing and just
sleep away the rest of the night. I woke up ten minutes earlier that
normal and took a quick shower. Wednesday was nearly the same as
Monday except that instead of an English class, I had a United States
History class. That one wasn't really that easy to sleep through and
still get a good grade in it.
That night, I had the same dream as I had the previous night, and as
before, I woke up with tears in my eyes and dripping off the sides of
my face.
